A JEDI PRINCE.

A DEVASTATING BETRAYAL.

AND THE DESTRUCTION OF THE LOST CITY?

(My favorite part about the teaser is the extraneous question mark at the end.)

(Also, confession time: 12-year-old Nanci thought that Ken the Jedi Prince was a total hottie on that cover. It’s Drew Struzan’s fault, okay?! Don’t judge me!)

All good things must come to an end. So, too, must really crappy things, such as the Jedi Prince series. It’s been a fun ride, my friends, but I can’t say I’m sad to see this series go. Hopefully I will never have to read it ever again. (Yes, I know, I volunteered for this assignment. Just like Obi-Wan, I was wrong.)

When we last left our villains, Trioculus had just been shot in the chest by the Human Replica Droid Leia. Prophets starts out right where Queen left off, with Trioculus dying while Grand Moff Hissa hovers over him, looking distraught. (Did I mention before that Hissa uses a hoverchair now, and has robot arms, because his limbs were melted off in toxic waste?) I actually kind of feel bad for Hissa. He’s obviously extremely loyal (even if it is to a mass-murdering psycho like Trioculus), and got his legs and arms burned off. At least Vader got an awesome job after that happened to him. Anyway, Trioculus dies, and it’s all very sad (not to mention lame). I was actually kind of surprised that Trioculus died so early in the book, but I guess that’s what happens when you have other villains who want to take the spotlight.

Back to the Rebels, who are still concerned with Triclops, who, if you’ve forgotten, is Palpatine’s real son. The book says, and I quote:

Until recently Triclops had been an inmate in a ward for insane prisoners at the Imperial Reprogramming Institute on the planet Duro. Luke Skywalker rescued him on Duro, and then, for security reasons, sent Triclops to the fourth moon of Yavin to the headquarters of the Senate Planetary Intelligence Network, known as SPIN. There he was kept under observation and armed guard.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa…whoa. I’m sorry, did we forget the last book, when Triclops was being kept at DRAPAC? You know, on Mount Yoda? Luke was there. So was Chewie. Go on, check the review if you don’t believe me. I’ll wait.

*taps fingers*

Believe me now? Good, then allow me to ask WTF HAPPENED TO MOUNT YODA? Did we just forget about it? I mean, not that I’m complaining, because that place was dumb. But hello, continuity error! I guess the authors couldn’t find a suitable plot device to get our heroes back to Yavin Four in time to betray the Lost City of the Jedi. But oops, I’m getting ahead of myself there.

Anyway, Leia is stuck watching Triclops and organizing her wedding to Han Solo in her spare time. So basically Leia Organa, leader of the Rebellion, has been relegated to playing baby-sitter and wedding coordinator. Not that there’s anything wrong with either profession but…COME ON. Can’t Leia-freaking-Organa get someone else to coordinate her wedding? Or can’t Han do it? He seems to have all this free time, building sky houses and all!

Triclops is acting weird and violent in his sleep. And apparently he has an implant in his tooth that’s sending out signals. The Rebels believe it’s a way for the Empire to control him and force him to play spy. Luke, being out of character, is very untrustworthy of Triclops. Come on, Luke. What happened to the farm boy who wanted to believe there was still good in Darth Vader?

An Imperial probe droid buzzes Yavin Four, and Luke and Leia start discussing possible defenses against them. Ken the Wonder Prince overhears them and is like, “oh yeah, I helped design this awesome Onmiprobe with my robot teacher back in the Lost City of the Jedi that could totally keep Imperial probe droids away. Because I’m so awesome.” So Luke and Ken decide to go back to the Lost City to get the blueprints. Because a kid’s homework assignment is obviously better equipped to defend the Alliance than, you know, military geniuses.

Zorba the Hutt is on Tatooine, having escaped from the sarlacc. He decides to pay a visit to the Prophets of the Dark Side, because apparently you can just go hang out with them whenever you want. What’s he up to?

On the way to the Lost City of the Jedi, Luke lectures Ken about the difference between experience and wisdom. Ken replies, “Whee! This turbolift is an awesome ride!”

When they arrive, there’s some foreshadowing where Luke says that maybe one day they’ll learn how Ken got to the Lost City. Ken thinks he might be related to Obi-Wan Kenobi. Get it? KENobi? (Keep dreaming, kid.) Dee-Jay the homework droid tells Luke and Ken a disturbing new prophecy by Kadann (again, just how do they get this information, and why does the Alliance not employ those methods?):

When the Jedi Knight

Becomes a captive of Scardia,

Then shall the Jedi Prince

Betray the Lost City.

GASP! Ken says, “nuh-uh, I’ll never betray the Lost City. Never ever. Pffft.”

Zorba the Hutt goes to Scardia and tells the Prophets about how the grand moffs are huge traitors. Apparently he’s pissed about them throwing him in the Pit of Carkoon or whatever. (I have to say, Zorba eating dinner with the Prophets was kind of a hilarious scene. Also, Zorba is still way better than Ziro. He’s the original super annoying Hutt.)

While waiting for a SPIN meeting, Leia has the most awesome conversation with Han about where to sit the wedding guests. Seriously, it’s hilarious. This is some dialogue from Leia:

“Just tell me this, do you think that Chewbacca should sit at the Wookiee table or with us? I was thinking he should be the host of the Wookiee table, but since he’s your Best Man, he should probably sit with us. What do you think?”

What do I think? I think this conversation is ridiculous to be having in the middle of freaking SPIN, Leia. (And I’m so sorry they’ve relegated you to such a horrible role. And here I thought that Fate of the Jedi was mundane.)

Anyway, the important part of the meeting: they can’t operate on Triclops’ implant because the nerve is too deep. Or something. What kind of space medicine is this??? While they wait for the operation, the Rebels decide to plant false information where Triclops can read it while he’s sleepwalking, and see if that gets to the Imperials. Very sneaky!

The Prophets of the Dark Side capture the moffs in their Moffship and put them on trial. Again, I feel kind of bad for Grand Moff Hissa. He was just trying to do his job and preserve the Empire, man!

Out of the blue, in the middle of the night, Leia pops into Luke’s room and tells him they know how to cure Triclops–with Macaab mushrooms! Only problem is that those particular mushrooms only grow on the planet Arzid, which is home to huge arachnors. Of course, Luke and Ken decide to go. Because it’s smart to bring kids along on dangerous missions.

The grand moffs are all found guilty, and read their sentences. Grand Moff Muzzer is sent to the planet Arzid for his sentence. Hey, wait! That’s where our heroes are going, too! I wonder if they’ll meet up. Hissa is declared to be the guiltiest, and as such his sentence is super harsh:

“You shall be starved, and when you are insane and mad with hunger, you shall be served your last meal. It shall be a meal with biscuits that have live parasites baked into them. The parasites will begin eating you from inside the pit of your stomach and will work their way slowly to your outermost layer of flesh.”

OUCH.

Also, more good news for the Prophets: Triclops has sent them the precise location to the Lost City of the Jedi! I wonder if it’s the real location, or the fake one? I guess we’ll find out…

Our group of Rebels–Luke, Ken, Chewie, Artoo, and Threepio–arrive at Arzid and promptly become complete idiots, getting trapped by arachnors. Luke doesn’t even try to use the freaking Force to save them all. I’m so ashamed of you, Luke.

Of course the Imperials show up and capture Luke and Ken. They’re taken to see Kadann. And because Ken is really dumb, he drinks tea given to him by Kadann. I’m sure it’s not spiked with veritaserum–I mean, avabush tea.

They get to Yavin Four and Kadann sends Hissa to make sure that the location of the Lost City is correct. Apparently Kadann isn’t that dumb and realizes that it might be a trap. Hissa plunges to his fiery death in the fake entrance. RIP Hissa, we hardly knew ye.

Kadann is pissed and tells Ken that Luke is going into the lava next, unless he tells Kadann how to find the real entrance to the Lost City. OH MY GOD THE PROPHECY IS COMING TRUE. Sure enough, Ken leads Kadann into the Lost City and KADANN KICKS ZEEBO OMG YOU DID NOT JUST KICK THE MOOKA YOU STUPID SON OF A SCHUTTA. That’s it, Kadann is going down.

So now that he’s in the Lost City, Kadann gets all the information about the Alliance and is going to attack all their bases. Allow me to say YOU ARE SO STUPID KADANN SPIN IS RIGHT THERE ON YAVIN FOUR! ARGH! Seriously these books have tested my patience so much. But I can get over the stupid lapses in logic because THE BIG REVEAL is coming up, folks. That’s right.

TRICLOPS IS KEN’S FATHER. THAT MEANS KEN IS THE GRANDSON OF EMPEROR PALPATINE.

Luke finally does something worthwhile and escapes. He rescues Ken. Ken rescues Zeebo. A dumb stormtrooper destroys the master computer. Kadann is trapped in the Lost City. The lift Topworld breaks, so Luke FINALLY USES THE FORCE TO MOVE THE LIFT. THANK THE MAKER. Maybe he is the real Luke Skywalker after all. And then there’s a touching Luke/Ken moment where Luke says it doesn’t matter who your parents or grandparents are. Awww.

While all this was going on, Triclops escaped. But first, he left a letter for Ken. Ken reads it when he returns to SPIN, and it’s quite touching. In my head canon, Ken and Triclops reunited and are living a quiet life somewhere on a small planet, far away from galactic politics. Wouldn’t that be nice? (Brian’s theory is that Ken became an accountant on Coruscant.)

Everything is well, and Leia has this vision of her life with Han in the future, living in their sky house and happily raising children. (Oh honey, you’re in for a horrible surprise.) Then Luke walks Leia down the aisle. THE END.

(At least until Kadann escapes from the Lost City and breaks up the wedding, allowing Han and Leia to have their real wedding in The Courtship of Princess Leia. Honestly, I’d prefer if this one was the real one because at least LEIA’S BROTHER IS GIVING HER AWAY. UGH. STUPID “FUNNY” MOMENTS KEEPING LUKE FROM ACTUALLY GIVING HIS SISTER AWAY.)

* * *

And there you have it, folks. The Jedi Prince retrospective is complete. I should probably say some wise words about continuity and how this series is proof that not everything should fit into the Star Wars canon, but my brain is fried. Just like Grand Moff Hissa. A-HAW-HAW-HAW.